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EMPTY APPETITES

By Maddy Rain

This collection of poetry explores feelings of unrequited love and the pain of being trapped in a loveless marriage.

 

They Say

They say that I’m too good

Too good for them

They say that I can do better

Better than them

And so they say


They say that they are dangerous

Dangerous for me

They say that they are no good

No good for me

And so they say

But I have no say


Then they walk away

Away down the street where we used to talk

Hand and hand 

With dreams in our heads

Now I drive in circles down this damned street

As you head downtown to a little shop

The shop that we used to like


Cause you said that you were no good

No good for me

Cause you said that you were dangerous

Dangerous for me

And so they say

That I’m no good

No good at all

They say, you could do better

And so they say

But I have no say

No say at all 

In what they say about me

 

Little Things

I take apart these little things

I pull a string

And come undone


Lying crumbled on the floor

All the king's horses

And all the king's men


Keep thinking

I'm over it

Keep saying

I'm over it


I've let it win

Again and again

This fragile cycle

Of love's revenge


I'm spilled on the floor

And I keep thinking

I'll never be the same


But I will take these broken little things

And stitch myself anew

 

Little Dog

I’m like a little dog

Every time I see you, I light up

When you come home from work, I run to the door to greet you

I wake up beside you every morning but when I see you

It’s like the first time

My heart swells with excitement

Even after five years

I’m like a little dog

Because I’m desperate for your attention

I follow you around the house

Needing to be in the room where you are

Just near you

And when you say something to me or touch me

I’m elated

I’m like a little dog

Because when you lose your temper with me

It ruins my whole day

I run and hide

I won’t come out until you assure me

That you don’t hate me

I’m like a little dog

Because when you’re gone

All I do is sit by the window and wait for you to come home

I’m like a little dog

Because when you snap at me

I don’t understand why

You’re rude

And short with me

And I don’t say anything

I shrink away

I must deserve it

I’m like a little dog

Because no matter how many times you hurt me

I run to you

Because no matter how hard you drive me away

I come back

Because I’m too dumb to see

There’s something else out there

Something better

I’m like a little dog

And I belong to you

 

Hard to Reach

You call out
And I call back
Anticipation
Palpitations
And then I disappear
And I'm gone so long

Then I come back
Like no time has past
Only to disappear again

My bed in the living room
Rattling A/C
Fear of a hurricane
And water stained room
It makes me think of you

Reminds me of the time we spent
The days I pinned for you
Imagining you touching me
When I didn't know your face
 
But I've got dreams

So much bigger than me
I gave then up before
For a man whose face
I scarce remember
I cant start again
Until I do this thing for me

I'm hard to reach
Because I'm reaching so far
I'm besotted
With the dream
It's all I know
It's all I want

Consumed by desire
I can't think straight 
Nothing will stop me this time
And so I'm hard to reach

 

Besotted

These small deaths
They t-t-t-take me
Every day when I think of you
You consume me
And I am not myself

Your face crosses my mind
And then I am at the pinnacle
Your name escapes my lips
A prayer 
An offering

I wish upon
Good luck and bad luck
Just the same
For you are a fallen angel
The flood comes in at high tide
And takes me away

I reach my height
At the apex of your being
You are both 
Unreal
And the only living boy in New York

 

Happiness Here

And I live in these moments
Still frame
In rapture
It never lasts
She always leaves
But I play it on repeat
Just to make it real
But it fades
And it comes again
And it overwhelms me
But I have all these plans
And I'm no good 
Obsession
With a dream
That may never be
But I pour all my life force
And I build my sand castles
As reality dwindles
I trade substance
For fiction
All the damned time
When I could reach out
And find happiness here

 

Lesson's Learned

I think of you now
Only so often
You come up uninvited
Like bile in the back of my throat
Your memory is tainted
My heart and stomach twist
When I think of you
Of the way I let you treat me
The way you never apologized
Only twisted things
You told me
“You always make things my fault”
And somehow I believed you
Fell for that line
But it was just you refusing
To take the blame
To accept responsibility
You were a liar
A manipulator
The best in the business
You convinced me of your truth
That I was nothing
And I deserved your scorn
There will always be he said/she said
I’m the villain in your narrative I’m sure
Perhaps you’ll read this and think me the liar
But seven months sober I’m certain I’m not
Seven months out of your web
Seven months away from your spell
I’ve sobered up
And the lesson’s learned


I was sick and you made me sicker
Made me think I needed you
Fed into my vulnerabilities
You made me feel small
When I was tall
Laughed when I said I’d leave
Said I could never live without you
Laughed when I wanted us to go to counseling
Dismissed me as overemotional
Dismissed me as a person
It wasn’t til now
Wasn’t til a friend said to me
“It was hard to see
Hard to watch him abuse you”
And I curled up inside myself
And the walls came crashing down
And I finally stopped blaming myself
Because I remember
I remember it all


Why don’t we drive through the night-
I asked for simple things
-we’ll wake up down in Mexico
But you refused me and abused me
Oh why? I don’t know nothing about-
Took from me what you liked and tossed the rest aside
nothing about no Mexico
Sex my only currency, me the blow-up doll
And tell me why.
I asked you to stop. To treat me like a person.
Why won’t you love me for who I am where I am?
But you could never touch me without reaching for more
Because that’s just the way the world is baby
You devalued me and dehumanized me
This is how I love you, baby. 
And you left me broken on the floor
This is how I love you baby
But that is not love
So you lied again
You never loved me
But the lesson’s learned.

 

Empty Appetites

It’s not quite right

When I rest in his arms

It’s not quite right

And it’s not quite you


My heart feels empty

And my mind is blank


I just know that it’s not quite right

I just know that he’s not quite you


Maybe it’ll never feel right

Maybe it’s all in my head

Maybe these empty appetite

Is all I’ll ever know


An aching, a longing for something

Something I can’t reach

These empty appetites

Keep my stomach hollow

Keep my heart cold


These empty appetites

Keep me reaching for you

But you’re not quite right

Because I’ve changed you

Warped you in my mind

You’re something else

Something pure

Something holy


But I will never know

Never know how it feels

Never ever will I know

You’re a ghost of a time forgotten

A specter of an idea

You are magic and myth

You are all that I am

And these empty appetites

Will never be satisfied

 

Enough

It comes back in flashes

You standing in the rain

When I knew I loved you

The kiss you gave me on the stairs

On the night you wore me like a trophy

And I can't help but wonder

Why I wasn't enough


When you placed that ring on my finger

When I cried on the beach

And I told you I never dreamed

Never thought I could be happy

But it was a blink of an eye

And now I'm shattered

And you're out there somewhere

And I want to know why


Why was I not enough?

I loved you with everything

I loved you like there was no one else

And now I sit alone in an apartment

Singing All Too Well

You were my future

The best friend I'd ever known


Then you were standing on my porch

Holding our wedding albums

Shaking in anger

But you were talking about her

How she got you like no one else did

And you were making plans with her

Like you never did with me

When I gave you all

But I always felt you were holding back

And I'm sorry I wasn't enough

But I suspected you always knew

So why did you take it so far?

If you always knew I wasn't enough?


Cause now I can't help but wonder

Why was I not enough for you?

Cause now I can't help but wonder

Will I ever be enough for anyone?

 

Happy

I’m feeling happy in myself

I’m feeling happy with myself

I’m feeling happy all the time


And it’s because you left

It’s because I’m free

Free to be the woman

You swore I could never be


Someone passed me in the hall

He said: you look happy

You’re smiling all the time

You’ve got a pep in your step

And i can’t figure out why


It’s because I’m happy in myself

I’m feeling happy with myself

Happy that you’re gone